Okay so full disclosure I had an abusive relationship with myself when I was younger. I was in the routine of repeating my every flaw to myself on the daily. I was convinced I was ugly, stupid, and unworthy. I hide this from the world. I was the joker, the funny one, always making fun of myself or others in a back handed or sarcastic way. I did this as a way of coping. I did not want people to know what my home life was like, and I certainly did not want people to realize all the flaws I was so ashamed of.
I have come along way. I found my way to yoga and meditation, which some of you know. I have worked very hard to heal and re-create healthy relationships with my parents. I have created a loving relationship with my partner. Now I'm embarking on crafting a wonderful career.
None of this would have been possible if I continued to loathe myself. So what changed? Good question, I began re-establishing a relationship with myself. A healthy one where I listened to my body, nourished it, and communicated with it on a regular basis, guess what? It started to communicate back to me.
Miraculously or not I healed my body from the inside out. I gave it an opportunity to feel into everything I was avoiding. We can't and are not suppose to be happy and positive all the time. We are both dark and light. The day that you accept that completely is the day that you stop fighting with yourself.
I have some really f'ed up thoughts sometimes. I get so angry and frustrated that all I want to do is lash out. But I know that so do you, everybody has these feelings. We all feel insecure, get jealous, think the worst case scernario sometimes, and guess what, that is okay!
Luckily I've been blessed to find some amazing teachers including, Karden Rabin a very talented bodyworker who suggested playing with feeling into my inner child. To dive into instinctual guttural reactions to things that don't go your way. So I practiced for ten minutes releasing all of what I didn't want to attend to. Sometimes, I cried, yelled, hit, shook, whatever I needed to do. For ten glorious minutes I didn't abide by societies rules. I let out my dark, told it was okay, and that I was there for it. My relationship to the "negative" changed so deeply that I didn't even want to call it negative because by releasing it, letting it play out, allowed for such deep healing to occur.
I recently traveled to Costa Rica for several weeks and I got to practice this abroad. My playing field instantly grew from the Berkshires into the tropical beaches, jungles, and eventually streched to an amazing conscious Festival called Envision.
This was my forth time attending Envision. I have to admit that I've enjoyed my time previously but it was also jaded. Before I saw so many beautiful, open hearted people that I felt like I had nothing in common with besides shared interests. These people seemed to know something that I clearly did not. I observed them curiously, they seamlessly made new connections, easily spoke with wisdom and tact, and gracefully moved and danced as if they were touched by the divine. What could I, a mere mortal have in common with such beings?
This time however I cracked the code. I continues to spend time with myself everyday practicing self love. I asked myself what is it that you want? How is it what you want to feel? What kind of experience do you want to have? When I had negative self talk come up. I didn't ignore it, I looked deeper into it. Where was it coming from? When did I neglect myself?
I learned that I wanted to connect to all people. Not just the ones who seem like demigods, because the truth is that we are all divinely flawed. Once I realized this truth, I was still so nervous to talk to strangers but I did it anyway, and was so proud of myself. My inner self was literally like a super caffeinated soccer mom screaming, "GET IT AMANDA, KEEP SHARING YOURSELF." My ego on the other hand back bucking every inch of the way, and I chose to listen to my inner self. The more I listened, the quieter my ego became until I could no longer hear it's bullshit.
I went to meeting at work today and we talked about how successful people don't think that space and time are "nice" but how they have re-framed it as being essential to their success. I agree, I believe that we need to give ourselves time to not be distracted. To see and accept all that we are, the dark and the light. To unconditionally and unabashedly love ourselves. That in my opinion is the first step into growing into the person you so desperately want to be. The kicker is, you already are that person.
I invite you all to commit to give yourself time and space as if it was your birthright. Investigate who you are from a curiously compassionate lens. You are dark and light and its time that you own that.
With so much love and support,
P.S I love to hear your comments and thoughts so please express!!
**To learn more about Karden and his business: http://www.bound-less.com/
To learn more about Envision Festival: https://envisionfestival.com/