Dark & Light

Okay so full disclosure I had an abusive relationship with myself when I was younger. I was in the routine of repeating my every flaw to myself on the daily. I was convinced I was ugly, stupid, and unworthy. I hide this from the world. I was the joker, the funny one, always making fun of myself or others in a back handed or sarcastic way. I did this as a way of coping. I did not want people to know what my home life was like, and I certainly did not want people to realize all the flaws I was so ashamed of.

I have come along way. I found my way to yoga and meditation, which some of you know. I have worked very hard to heal and re-create healthy relationships with my parents. I have created a loving relationship with my partner. Now I'm embarking on crafting a wonderful career.

None of this would have been possible if I continued to loathe myself. So what changed? Good question, I began re-establishing a relationship with myself. A healthy one where I listened to my body, nourished it, and communicated with it on a regular basis, guess what? It started to communicate back to me.

Miraculously or not I healed my body from the inside out. I gave it an opportunity to feel into everything I was avoiding. We can't and are not suppose to be happy and positive all the time. We are both dark and light. The day that you accept that completely is the day that you stop fighting with yourself.

I have some really f'ed up thoughts sometimes. I get so angry and frustrated that all I want to do is lash out. But I know that so do you, everybody has these feelings. We all feel insecure, get jealous, think the worst case scernario sometimes, and guess what, that is okay!

Luckily I've been blessed to find some amazing teachers including, Karden Rabin a very talented bodyworker who suggested playing with feeling into my inner child. To dive into instinctual guttural reactions to things that don't go your way. So I practiced for ten minutes releasing all of what I didn't want to attend to. Sometimes, I cried, yelled, hit, shook, whatever I needed to do. For ten glorious minutes I didn't abide by societies rules. I let out my dark, told it was okay, and that I was there for it. My relationship to the "negative" changed so deeply that I didn't even want to call it negative because by releasing it, letting it play out, allowed for such deep healing to occur.